1. “So, what do you do for a living?”
This isn’t an unusual question, but it’s the start of what is to come. Hence, I hate it. It’s about this time I wish I hadn’t given up my job as a space-monkey hunting Astroninja.
2. “Will I have read anything you’ve written?”
How this usually goes:
“I doubt it. What was the last thing you read?”
“Er, well I don’t read a lot.”
“Then I think it even more unlikely.”
[Cue uncomfortable silence]
3. “So, how is that going for you? Is it paying the bills?”
How this usually goes:
“Just about.”
[Cue uncomfortable silence]
What I’d like to say:
“By that I assume you want to know how much I earn a year, and if my, no doubt in your opinion, ‘namby-pamby, not really real’ job has made me rich yet.”
4. So your not the next J.K. Rowling then?
How this usually goes:
[Little laugh] “No, afraid not.”
What I’d like to say:
“Piss off.”
5. “Do you think you’ll write adult books soon?”
What this means:
“When are you going to try and write ‘proper’ books?”
How this usually goes:
“No. I think writing for a younger audience is actually harder than writing for adults in many ways, and I enjoy the challenges it poses. That’s why so many writers of adult (they hear the word ’proper’ here) books are now writing for this audience.”
6. “I’ve got a great idea for a book. I don’t suppose you’ve considered writing for someone else, have you?”
What this means:
“My life is just so busy doing a REAL job that I don’t have time to faff around with things like writing. I’m sure you could knock a book out in a couple of weeks though, and we could make a fortune out of my amazing, never-before-thought-of idea which is so much better than anything YOU’VE ever thought of. I’d even be willing to give you a 20%… no, make that 15%, cut.”
How this always goes:
“No.”
[Cue uncomfortable silence]
7. “In fact I have managed to get four or five chapters down already. Would you have a look at them?”
What this means:
See above
How this always goes:
“No.”
[Cue uncomfortable silence]
8. “So, what are you working on now?”
What this really means:
“When you’re not sitting around in your dressing-gown, scratching your arse, surfing the internet and playing on the PS3, what are you doing all day?”
How this usually goes:
“I’m basically sitting around in my dressing-gown, scratching my arse, surfing the internet and playing on the PS3, whilst trying to sort out the overall story arc for my new series of books.”
At this point, my very own, personal Tomas de Torquemada usually finds something else to pique their interest and thankfully moves on. But as they go, they almost always leave you with:
“I’ll check you out. Sorry, what was your name again?”
“Franz Kafka.”
“Right. I’ll be sure to get some of your stuff for my kids!”
